How to Let Go of Resentment When You’re Still Hurt

I’ll be honest: letting go of resentment when you’re still hurt feels downright impossible sometimes. I’ve been there, and it burns inside, right? It’s like your mind is stuck in an emotional loop – replaying past injuries, unfairness, betrayal, or words that hit you so hard they left a bruise on your soul.

I’m writing this from a personal perspective. I’ve been there more than once. I’ve held grudges so tightly that my knuckles metaphorically turned white. And here’s the truth: resentment doesn’t punish the person who hurt me. It punishes me.

This article is for anyone sitting in the messy overlap of pain and resentment, who wonders:

• “How do I forgive if I’m still hurting?”
• “Won’t letting go mean saying what they did was okay?”
• “How can I trust again when I feel so vulnerable?”

Let’s get into it, because you deserve relief – even while the pain is still there.

Why Resentment Feels So Hard to Let Go

Resentment is protective armor.

When you’re still hurting, holding resentment makes a twisted kind of sense. It feels like a guard dog that keeps the offender away and reminds you never to let your guard down.

But the catch is that it’s not actually protective in the long term. Resentment keeps you psychologically chained to the very person or event that wounded you.

Here’s why resentment digs in its claws:

Resentment often masquerades as power. In truth, it’s the opposite – it siphons off your mental, emotional, and even physical energy.

What Letting Go Really Means

A big misunderstanding is that forgiveness or letting go equals saying what happened was okay. It absolutely does not.

Letting go of resentment is:

• A decision to stop re-living the injury in your mind.
• Choosing to remove the person’s power over your daily emotional state.
• A process of healing, not a denial that you were wronged.

Forgiveness is not reconciliation. You don’t have to allow toxic people back into your life. You don’t even have to talk to them. Letting go is something you do primarily for yourself.

I remember one specific betrayal where I couldn’t stomach the idea of forgiving the person. It felt like I’d be saying, “No big deal.” But here’s what I eventually realized:

“Letting go was the way I finally reclaimed my inner freedom. It didn’t make what they did right – it just meant they no longer controlled how I felt every day.”

That distinction changed everything for me.

Your Brain on Resentment

From a psychological and neurological perspective, resentment is deeply wired into how humans process threat.

• Your amygdala, the brain’s alarm system, triggers emotional responses to perceived danger – even memories of past events.
• Your prefrontal cortex (logical thinking) may want to move on, but the amygdala keeps flashing danger signs.
• Stress hormones like cortisol flood your system when you rehash old injuries.

Chronic resentment becomes like a well-worn mental path. The more you walk it, the deeper the trench. That’s why it often takes deliberate work to shift away from resentment’s grip.

Studies on emotional regulation show that forgiveness and letting go literally reduce stress levels and improve mental health outcomes. It’s not just a moral or spiritual issue – it’s a health one.

Reasons to Let Go – Even If You’re Still Hurt

So why bother trying to let go when you’re still aching? Because resentment costs you far more than it costs the person you’re resenting.

Here’s what resentment often robs you of:

• Peace of mind. You keep reliving scenes in your head.
• Energy. You’re drained from mental replays.
• Sleep. Anger and stress can mess with sleep cycles.
• Physical health. Chronic anger links to higher blood pressure, heart issues, and even immune dysfunction (source).
• New relationships. Resentment breeds distrust and distance.

One of the best motivators I’ve found to let go of resentment is the thought:

“They’ve taken enough from me. I’m not giving them any more.”

It’s a boundary you set for your own sake.

Why It’s Hard When You’re Still Hurting

Here’s where the rubber hits the road: letting go when you’re still hurting feels unnatural. Your brain believes the wound needs protecting. The pain is fresh or still triggers grief.

You might feel stuck between these two competing thoughts:

• “I want freedom from this resentment.”
• “I’m not ready to let go because I’m still hurting.”

That tension is normal. Don’t rush it. Healing and forgiveness aren’t linear. Some days you’ll feel light and free. Other days, bitterness might flood you all over again. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re human.

Common Myths About Letting Go

Let’s bust a few myths that keep people locked in resentment:

When I was younger, I believed forgiving someone meant they “got away with it.” Now I know forgiveness is me choosing not to let them live rent-free in my head.

How to Start Letting Go (Even While Hurting)

Here’s how I personally began to release resentment while still feeling hurt:

1. Acknowledge the Pain

Don’t gaslight yourself. You were hurt. It matters. Suppressing the truth only makes resentment stronger.

Sometimes writing down exactly what happened and how it made you feel helps get clarity.

2. Name Your Resentment

Instead of a vague cloud of anger, get specific:

• “I resent my friend because they shared my secret.”
• “I resent my partner for dismissing my feelings.”
• “I resent my boss for humiliating me publicly.”

Specifics give you something tangible to work with.

3. Separate Event from Identity

One of the hardest parts of resentment is that it often becomes woven into your identity: “I’m the person who was betrayed.”

Instead, try telling yourself:

“Something painful happened to me, but it does not define who I am.”

This shift is powerful. It reclaims your identity from the hurt.

4. Choose to Let Go… Without Forcing Forgiveness Yet

If you’re not ready to forgive, that’s okay. Start instead by choosing to stop feeding the resentment.

This could look like:

• Not replaying arguments in your mind.
• Not stalking the person on social media.
• Not venting about them daily.

It’s about withdrawing energy from the resentment cycle, bit by bit.

5. Replace Resentment With Boundaries

A lot of resentment comes from feeling powerless. Healthy boundaries restore your sense of agency.

• Don’t answer calls from toxic people.
• Change topics if conversations head into resentment territory.
• Leave situations where disrespect is repeated.

Boundaries aren’t punishment; they’re protection.

6. Practice Empathy Carefully

This one is controversial. Some therapists recommend trying to understand the other person’s perspective. It can help soften resentment.

But here’s my take:

• Empathy is useful – but only when it doesn’t excuse harm.
• Empathy is for your peace of mind, not their absolution.

For instance:

“They acted out of their own wounds. That doesn’t make it okay – but I refuse to let their damage keep me hostage.”

7. Seek Therapy or Support

I’m not a doctor or a therapist – but speaking purely from personal experience, therapy was one of the best tools for helping me release resentment.

Sometimes wounds run deep, especially if trauma is involved. Professional support helps you process safely.

If therapy isn’t accessible, trusted friends, faith communities, or support groups can be incredibly healing.

A Note on Deep Betrayals

Not all resentment comes from minor slights. Some comes from deep, life-altering betrayals. Affairs. Childhood abuse. Betrayal by a parent or sibling. Financial scams by trusted people.

Letting go in these cases does not mean minimizing the damage. It might mean:

• Acknowledging you’ll never “get over it,” but you can live alongside it.
• Choosing not to let it rule your daily life.
• Understanding forgiveness doesn’t require contact or relationship repair.

If that’s your situation, please know it’s okay for this to take years – or even a lifetime – to fully release. Be gentle with yourself.

The Cost of Holding On

I held onto resentment toward someone for nearly a decade. It consumed me. Meanwhile, they were off living their life, probably not thinking of me at all.

Here’s what I lost during those years:

• Joy in new experiences.
• Openness to new friendships.
• Trust in my own judgement.
• Physical health – I had headaches and tension constantly.

When I finally chose to let go, it wasn’t because they deserved forgiveness. It was because I deserved freedom.

Practices to Help Let Go

Here are some practical strategies I’ve found helpful:

Journaling

Write a letter you’ll never send. Pour it all out. Rage, sadness, confusion. Then burn or shred it as a symbolic release.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness trains your brain to observe thoughts without engaging them.

• Notice the resentment thought.
• Label it: “This is resentment talking.”
• Let it float by like a cloud.

It sounds simple, but it’s powerful.

Visualization

Imagine cutting an energetic cord between you and the person. Or picture your resentment as a heavy stone you lay down. It’s corny – but it works.

Gratitude Practice

Bitterness shrinks when you practice gratitude. Each day, write three things you’re thankful for, unrelated to the person who hurt you.

Physical Exercise

Movement helps process stored anger and stress hormones. Walk, run, dance, box, do yoga – anything that moves energy out of your body.

Therapy Techniques

Therapists might use:

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to reframe resentment loops.
• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) for trauma-related resentment.
• Somatic experiencing to release body-held tension.

When You’re Not Ready

Sometimes you’re simply not ready to let go. And that’s okay. Here’s how to cope in the meantime:

• Don’t force it. Forgiveness is a process, not a commandment.
• Limit how often you talk about it.
• Practice self-care.
• Remind yourself: “I’m working toward healing, even if I’m not there yet.”

Letting Go for YOU, Not Them

Ultimately, letting go is a gift you give yourself. It’s the decision that your life and peace matter more than punishing someone else in your head.

Here’s the truth that finally freed me:

“I can’t change what happened. But I can choose how much power I give it over the rest of my life.”

A Final Word

I’m not suggesting you flip a magic switch and instantly feel free. Letting go of resentment is often the hardest emotional work you’ll ever do. But it’s worth it – because you are worth it.

You deserve:

• Calm nights of sleep.
• Joy in your present.
• Openness to future connections.
• Your full energy for the life you want to build.

Resentment doesn’t deserve the rest of your life. You do.

If you’d like to dive deeper into forgiveness and how it affects health and well-being, I recommend reading more on Wikipedia’s forgiveness page.

Letting go doesn’t erase the past – but it can radically transform your future. And you’re absolutely strong enough to do it, one day at a time.

Simon CEO/CTO, Author and Blogger

Simon is a creative and passionate business leader dedicated to having fun in the pursuit of high performance and personal development. He is co-founder of Truthsayers Neurotech, the world's first Neurotech platform servicing the enterprise. Simon graduated from the University of Liverpool Business School with a MBA, and the University of Teesside with BSc Computer Science. Simon is an Associate Member of the Chartered Institute of Professional Development and Associate Member of the Agile Business Consortium.

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