Does your boss hate you? (Sucks doesn’t it?) Here is a tip that could make a break-through…

You might be surprised to know that this is a common problem. More common than you might think! Some of my most read posts are on this subject (I’ve written about this subject before in my posts What Should You Do If Your Boss Hates You? , ’5 Reasons Why Your Boss Hates You’ and ‘The ‘mystery’ boss: why your bosses behavior may occasionally look strange’.)

One thing I’ve learned, in helping people with this tough problem, is that (wherever possible) building bridges is the best way to go. Feuds, fights and snipes almost always fail. Your boss, rightly or wrongly, is in a ‘legitimate’ position of strength. Unless you can prove some major mis-doing, bad behavior or discrimination, it’s not an easy situation to get out of. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible, or, that you have to suck-up.

Building bridges is about creating channels of communication, and there’s no better way than to facilitate an open discussion. There is a simple question I’ve found works – one which can be repeated over-and-over and it never gets stale:

What Can I Do Better?

Its simplicity and directness deliver a powerful message to your boss; that you take responsibility for yourself and your work, and for your relationships. Whether the answer you get is poignant or pithy, the question that makes it tough for your boss to avoid criticism. But it’s criticism that you’ve requested, and this is what makes all the difference.

Asking for criticism from a hostile boss puts you in control of the situation. It’s disarming and confident. Don’t be afraid of what will be said, as you probably know it already. Open up communication, and put improvement on the agenda.

Ask your boss today “What Can I Do Better?”

©2012 SimonStapleton.com. All Rights Reserved.

Working for a living is tough enough, but sometimes it is harder than it should be because you have to deal with people problems at work, especially when your boss is one of the people that give you grief.

Without a careful approach to the situation, your hostile job situation could end up costing you your health and your career.

To help you develop a good approach to the problem, here are 8 tips for working with a difficult office manager that can ease your mind and help you have a better life.

1. Bring a box of chocolates – If you have one of those volatile, unpredictable bosses that are calm and reasonable one moment and then ballistic the next, try giving the gift of chocolate. By bringing a gift you show that you aren’t taking the stressful antics personally and a little chocolate can go a long way toward easing the stress your boss is dealing with.
2. Limit communication to email – If your boss has issues with being respectful and professional in the workplace, try to limit your personal interaction with her. By communicating through email, you have a record of everything that was said that can serve as valuable protection should you be selected as the next scapegoat for her performance issues. Besides, you’ll be less likely to be drawn into a scenario that escalates into a shouting match that you will later regret.
3. Keep a record of every incident – It takes time to sit down and write an account of every incident that happens at work, but the modern workplace requires it. Keep a written, audio, or video journal that documents your daily activities, your interactions with customers, vendors, and co-coworkers. This protects you when you face arbitrary accusations from your manager. Your records will help you establish your case if you ever have to escalate the problem to the executive level or if you need to take legal action. If you are asked to do something illegal or are physically assaulted or threatened on the job, call the police on the spot.
4. Leave your boss at work – Some managers can have genuine mental health issues that cause them to take pleasure in causing your misery. If yours is like this, make a deliberate effort to be happy on the job and have plenty of photos of the good times you’re having with family and friends. This not only shows your manager that you are still having a good life, but leaving your work problems at the office show you where your priorities are.
5. Combat vagueness – Some managers are deliberately vague because they need an outlet to receive blame when the project doesn’t come out right. If you follow her instructions and fail, then she is part of the problem, but if you fail trying to do your work on your own, than you are the problem and you must pay. Get specific requirements and expectations from your manager in writing before you begin the task so your performance is always objectively evaluated.
6. Don’t count on co-worker support – You think you have friends at the office, but if you share your feelings with them, they are likely to go tell your manager what you’ve said to earn brownie points for themselves. No one likes a difficult manager, but if a co-worker thinks he can exploit your pain to build better relations with the boss, things will get much more difficult for you.
7. Take action – Have a respectful but frank meeting with your difficult office manager and let her know that you are aware of the way she is treating you and that you will escalate the problem as far over her head as necessary in order to diffuse the tension and resolve the issues. This might not help in a small, family style business, but in typical company, her superiors will pressure her to develop a better management style. Meanwhile, start looking for a different job.
8. Don’t complain – Your predicament is one that millions of workers endure, but complaining about it will get you labeled as an unprofessional whiner and you will be a blame magnet for everything that goes wrong in your office.

Many work environments reflect the fact that life is not always fair. Use these 8 tips for working with a difficult office manager to help you respond constructively to your bad situation.

©2012 SimonStapleton.com. All Rights Reserved.

Your boss hates you – what should you do?

This is a common problem, I’ve discovered, when checking back through the many emails where I have been asked that very question. When you find yourself in this position, is it a lost cause?

I don’t think so, and here is what to do about it.

First of all, it’s vital that (from this point forward) you keep an open mind. For two reasons:

1. If you have asked yourself the above question, then you must care about fixing the problem. If you didn’t, then you’d have consigned it to the ‘don’t give a crap’ box and moved onto some other challenge. So to fix the problem, you must consider opportunities to fix it before dismissing them outright.
2. There is a chance that your boss doesn’t hate you, in fact, but rather that’s how you have interpreted his/her actions and behaviors towards you. To solve the problem, it’s crucial that you dump any baggage you have first.

If you haven’t yet read my posts ‘5 Reasons Why Your Boss Hates You ‘ and ‘The ‘mystery’ boss: why your bosses behavior may occasionally look strange ‘ then do so now, and then come back to this post. They provide you with great insights into the mind of the typical boss, and possibly suggest why you might be thinking your boss hates you.

Do you recognize any of the ‘crazy behaviors’ that you thought could be hatred towards you, but are possibly more benign? Or perhaps you did discover a reason why your boss thinks you’re a dufus?

If you’re still unclear as to why you suffer a sour relationship with your boss, then now is the time to find out. The best way forward is to understand what problems need to be fixed, and how they should be fixed.

I should just say that I’ve known some people to try to go around whatever problem there might be – most of the time not knowing what the problem is. What tends to happen is that they turn into a kiss-ass. In order to gain new found favor with their boss, they engage in a sickly-sweet charm offensive. You have probably seen other people do this too… or maybe even engaged in it yourself. The effect is often successful, but temporary. When two people don’t deal with their problems (just like in marriage I guess) then any phase of reconciliation is cut short when the problem re-surfaces. And when you don’t know what that problem is, then you’re doomed to repeat it.

So here’s the deal: you’ve got to deal with the source of the bad blood between you and your boss directly.

Don't Give Up!

What If You Don’t Know the Source of the Problem?

What I’ve discovered is that I was most effective when I opened up the discussion with a question about the relationship. It’s about getting on the front foot by creating an opportunity for your boss to provide some feedback. I would ask something like “I’ve noticed that we haven’t agreed on things lately; am I letting you down in any way?” This question isn’t a confession, or an admission of guilt – it’s an avenue for your boss to open up to discuss the problem. This may be the magical question that brings out the source of the problem.

Failing that, I’ve also learned that an outright confrontation works too – but not an aggressive one. If I’ve had problems with my boss that I couldn’t fathom, I have found an opportunity to make an approach on neutral ground, such as the car park or cafe, and state that I have sensed a problem and that I would like to work it out.

Sometimes, this process takes a while. You see, in uncomfortable situations, people often lie. They lie to get out of the situation. Don’t take this personally, but don’t give up too.

So what you might find is that you only discover a part of the problem, or a symptom of the problem. What this means is that you will have to rectify the disclosed issue first (and prove you are serious about rectifying the relationship with your boss) and keep working at the relationship until all the problems have been heard.

The last resort concerns the fact that your boss has a duty to you to provide you with feedback on your performance and treat you fairly as they do their other subordinates. Not only is this a typical organizational policy, but in most countries it is law.

If you notice that your bosses actions look unfair, then you should ask why you were treated unfairly. This is a right you can be expected to exercise, and you should also expect to be given a straight answer

If you’re still not satisfied, then the only way forward is to approach your HR department, or if your organization doesn’t have a HR department, approach your bosses superior and explain the steps you have taken so far to attempt a reconciliation.

When You Know What the Problem Is…

This is a great situation to be in. The ball is in your court, and you should have a specific action to complete or behavior/personal trait you need to change.

The best approach is to take action, without delay. Your response demonstrates how serious you take the rectification. Slouching now will look bad on you, and possibly confirm to your boss why he/she developed bad feelings towards you in the first place.

Next important step is to provide regular updates to rectification activities, in person if you can. If the problem is behavioral then you will need to ask for feedback on the behavior. This is a good excuse to continue building your relationship. Don’t get defensive if the feedback doesn’t tell you that the problem has completely gone, but rather ask for advice on how to continue with the change.

If the source of the problem is personal then this is less straight forward. I once knew a guy who had major body-odor. Bluntly, he stank. His boss really didn’t like this, and made it personal. The relationship turned very sour… but his boss didn’t tell him what irked him because it was embarrassing. Eventually, the truth came out. The smelly guy did change his personal hygiene and the source of the problem went away.

History, and Baggage

I’ve mentioned so far that in order to reconcile with your boss, you need to lose your baggage. Once you’ve turned the corner and you’re dealing with the problems, this needs to persevere.

Truth is, you won’t really lose the baggage. Neither will your boss. The road to reconciliation is a long one, especially if nasty things were said or done before – folk don’t forget that.

Take the example above – the smelly chap – he didn’t just get over that. His experience was painfully embarrassing, and it took a while for him to get over that. Equally, the experience was painful for his boss. His boss wasn’t proud that he discriminated his smelly subordinate, and was also embarrassed by his behaviors. This wasn’t forgotten overnight.

Don't Pick the Scab! Let it Heal!

Those initial days and weeks will be awkward, as you and your boss try to forget (and fail in the early days). It’s much like a scab on your skin: it’s easily opened up and it takes real guts and determination not to pick at it, no matter how frickin’ itchy it is.

Remember These Things…

• Unless you initiate a discussion to learn what the source of the problem is, then you won’t resolve it. This is where the open-mind comes in – get the conversation going with your boss without carrying any emotional baggage with you, and don’t assume anything. The early days of this process is shaky, and both you and your boss can easily read the wrong thing from what’s said.
• You’ll also be hearing the voices in your head and applying listening filters to the conversations with your boss. Most people want to hear the worst, because it confirms what they already knew and tells them ‘they were right’. It takes courage, but switch those voices off!
• When you’re getting the feedback from your boss, don’t be defensive! If you start defending your position on problems of the past, you’ll close down the conversation. Even if you believe your boss to be wrong, don’t fight back or you won’t rectify the situation.
• Avoid caffeine and nicotine before the conversations with your boss. Being hyper-stimulated isn’t going to help. If you’re buzzing, you’ll appear nervous or distracted.
• Don’t use email. Period. Email is not an appropriate communication channel for dealing with relationship problems. Using the phone is OK, but discussing matters in person always works far better because it lets your body language communicate your desire to resolve the problem.
• When approaching your boss to talk, do it with a non-aggressive stance and don’t invade personal space – this is particularly important if you are tall (like myself, I am 6’4″).
• When faced with being forced to deal with problems that are painful, people can sometimes run for cover. So it’s got to be done at a pace that is not threatening or too painful – and this applies to you AND your boss.

Have You Had a Bad Relationship With Your Boss?

What was your story, and how did you rectify the situaiton? Have you got wisdom to share with us?

©2012 SimonStapleton.com. All Rights Reserved.

I was with a group of 126 recently appointed managers and we were talking about our relationships with our boss. I just love it when people begin to talk about the subjects that matter to them.

The group shared their thoughts on how they have suffered from bad relationships with their boss, and more to the point, how their relationships turned sour in the first place. It was such an interesting (and enlightening) conversation that I am sharing with you what I learned.

So I discovered the 5 reasons why your boss might hate you (although there maybe more, these are the biggies)

You are a Threat

If your boss believes you pose a threat to their job then they could turn nasty. If you walk around with a halo on your head (put there by your peers, or even your manager’s peers or superiors) then this could be perceived as dangerous to your boss.

This goes beyond the belief of your boss that you are after their job. By building up a strong profile inside your organization, which I fully recommend, it is likely that you a pedestal is also being built underneath you. If your profile creates support and sponsorship by senior members of your organization, then the likelihood of being knocked off is reduced, but there always remains the potential of being sniped off by a jealous boss.

If you suspect that this is the case, then you have a choice – continue as you are and live with the glory and the threat, or share your halo with your boss by ensuring that they always get 10% of the credit. (Number is arbitrary!). You do this by always mentioning their support and guidance as you achieve greatness.

You are Too Political

Politics is a banner of many behaviors, but roughly I am suggesting that your manager may get pissed off with you if you don’t consistently align with the truth and behave like ‘all things to all people’. Politics has its place, but over-emphasis on truth-economies can create distrust between you and your manager. Think about it: if they see you as a skillful player with your peers, then what do they read into your relationship?

If you’re in a politically charged environment (despite best will, this does happen) then it’s always best to disclose your political game plan with your boss. Even if they don’t play too, at least they know what you’re trying to achieve. Create a version of the truth that you both align to and will work together to achieve. Personally, I prefer work without politics, but if you must engage in politics then it’s important to have the support of your manager.

You are Not Political Enough

The flipside to the above, and probably a more likely situation. The higher you climb the pole, the greasier it gets.

Your manager may be playing many angles and operating in grey-areas to achieve an outcome… only for you to come along with an honest and transparent communication to destroy their game-plan.

My feelings towards this are clear – this is your manager’s fault and if they don’t involve you in the game (or at least tell you where the goal-posts are) then that is their problem. Nevertheless, your lack of awareness, or refusal to play, can build up bad feelings which are likely not to be expressed. Your boss’s hatred of you will seem irrational and may be sensed but not directly manifested.

There isn’t much you can do in these situations. Sometimes, a direct challenge might work but the same political behavior will be applied in your manager’s response.

Lack of Rapport

Rapport is the X-factor in a relationship. When two people have rapport, they get along very well and the relationship flourishes. This happens when you and your manager perceive situations, and people, in similar ways and you make similar decisions and judgments based on that perception. Communication is effective. There is cohesion. It’s a foundation of trust.

What about the lack of rapport? The opposite of the above is true. Relationships die at the point of inception when two people can’t communicate effectively or agree on anything. When two people have two parametrically opposite personality traits, then building rapport is almost impossible. If you are a positive person, but your boss is negative, then it will be tough. If you are introvert, but your manager is extrovert, then it will be tough. Get the picture?

I don’t recommend trying to be a person you are not, in order to overcome this. You will come unstuck at some point, and to be frank, you will be miserable and stressed. The best way forward, when faced with this problem, is to just keep working at it. A lack of rapport will diminish over time providing that you and your manager are trying to achieve the same thing. It will be a bumpy road – so expect that – but eventually it will smooth out.

You Don’t Do What Your Manager Expects You To Do

Have you become upset when a mechanic didn’t fix the problem with your car? How about when your credit card company didn’t switch off payment protection, even when you ticked the option? It’s the same when you don’t do what you said you would do. Your manager gets pissed.

In modern organizations, strategic goals are cascaded from the most senior executives to junior employees. Your manager’s objectives are dependent on you achieving your objectives… and so on. If you don’t achieve your goals, your manager doesn’t too.

Worse still, your manager’s reputation can be drawn through the mud. Your failure could be a direct hit on your boss’s credibility. If this failure is caused by forgetfulness, or bad judgment, or incompetence then you can expect your manager to be upset with you. Persistent failure like this can lead to total hatred!

A more dangerous ground to tread on is when you’re going hell for leather for a goal that is different to the one your manager expects. It’s dangerous because the point of realization that your expectations are different is towards the end of the project or assignment. You might get into this situation if you and your boss haven’t built rapport.

This situation may be a deliberate coup by your manager if they’re playing political games or if they perceive you as a threat. Unless your objectives are clearly understood in the same way between you, your manager has a ticket to call foul at any point.

Truth is, managers rarely resort to these shenanigans, but much more common is a surprise moment a long way into an assignment when both of you realize your mistake of a difference in expectation. This is why it’s vital that you and your manager agree specifics, with little (or no) room for different interpretation. Especially so if your performance management, and your bonus, depends upon it.

I believe that total alignment of expectations is the only way to avoid pissing off your boss, and indeed achieving what they expect from you. I recommend you take a look at your current assignments now and check with your manager that your intended output is what he or she expects.

©2012 SimonStapleton.com. All Rights Reserved.

As soon as the word bad boss is mentioned most people start imagining pictures of a wicked person, a crook, a tyrant, a scheming backstabbing individual, a selfish ogre, etc. And typical textbook definitions of a bad boss is one who screams, threatens, intimidates, grabs credit, fires people, throttles people’s necks and so on. While this could be true in some cases, it is not so in a large percentage of cases. Actually it is not necessary to be a wicked person at all to be called a bad boss. Ironically, a good natured or normal person can also fall under the category of a bad boss without exhibiting the standard underhand or bullying behaviors. Here are a few common mistakes good people do to slowly transform themselves into bad bosses:

Lack of Knowledge: A good person can become a manager of a department for various reasons, but may have no knowledge necessary to run the department. Often many employees get promoted to stratospheric levels too fast, but without the required knowledge, maturity or skills to run a bunch of diverse departments. And this is unavoidable in many cases as managers often have to swim in un-chartered waters in today’s chaotic business world. However, this can become a catastrophe not only for the manager but to all his peers and team members who look towards them for guidance, help or coaching. If managers lack the required knowledge and advisory skills to coach, mentor and supervise their department they can agitate their team members to death. In addition to stressing their team members daily, managers will stress themselves more as they will be unable to lead effectively. For example, a good person can be a car service supervisor, but can never effectively manage his mechanics if he himself does not have prior experience in servicing a car, or at least a generous dose of the practical hardships of it. His lack of knowledge can often lead to conflicts as he may make unrealistic demands on his mechanics, commit to impractical requests by customers, overload his mechanics, etc. Soon it will become a ego conflict between the “Knowledgeable and the Clueless.”

Avoiding learning: It is understandable that a manager cannot be expected to have an accurate knowledge from day one. To gain knowledge one must get into deep water to understand the nitty-gritties of a new department’s work, irrespective of their earlier experience. And no matter which department you manage there will be some amount of new learning every day to keep abreast of latest trends and happenings related to that particular industry. But too many managers avoid doing this and don’t make any effort to learn the work hands on, or at least an essential percentage of it. They never bother to understand the “Nuts and bolts” or roll up their sleeves to get involved. Instead they run their departments from a high level by viewing the world through status reports, metrics, statistical gymnastics, asking tough questions, etc., and soon become an object of ridicule. Very soon this will lead to problems like inaccurate estimation, procrastination, unable to take independent decisions, workload issues, staff shortages, endless meetings, email wars, improper budgeting, and various daily conflicts. By refusing to learn or get involved they distance themselves from understanding any practical issues and difficulties of a department. Instead of being in a position of confidently saying, “Let me show you how or this is how you do it,” they will start covering their lack of knowledge through devious means as they become insecure and incompetent. Obviously that means entering into dirty waters like indulging in cheap politics, surround themselves with yes men, shoot the messenger and find scapegoats.

Unable to shield their team: Often for many managers maintaining the status of a good and diplomatic person who will not antagonize customers and clients becomes more important than being right. So they may not be able to shield their team from hostile situations, unfair accusations or demands. They will start saying yes to every demand and put their team members in trouble or excessive workloads. Also they cannot take the heat for their team when required. Very soon team members will stop going to them for help like a certain Jeff Rich, the CEO of ACS says, “I think the day that your people stop bringing their problems to you is the day you stop leading. They’ve either concluded that you don’t care about their problems or that you cannot help them. And leaders have to be in a position to help.” For example, continuing the example of a mechanic, he will often not be able to shield his mechanics from aggressive and impatient customers who pressurize them with unreasonable demands, invent faults or expect unrealistic services.

Distorted view: Customers and clients don’t appreciate a plain exhibition of good nature. Just because a person is good, customers will not take things easily or dilute their demands. They need value for their money, solutions, answers, guidance, etc., for their problems. A good nature and lots of smiles cannot be used as a shield for delivering bad results. And if a person cannot provide that, he or she automatically becomes a bad manager. For example, will you go to a doctor who is very friendly, but is unable to diagnose your fever or prescribe the right medicines? Will junior surgeons depend on a friendly senior surgeon who cannot teach or oversee complicated and delicate surgeries? Would you go to a lawyer who talks well, but gives you bad legal advice? Would you go to or recommend a tax consultant who talks well, but can’t give you proper tax advice? Similarly a good natured person who is unable to help customers, clients and team members can get into trouble by being branded as a bad manager as their credibility will take a nosedive.

Finally we can conclude this article with a quote from Thomas Arnold, “Real knowledge, like everything else of value, is not to be obtained easily. It must be worked for, studied for, thought for, and, more than all must be prayed for.”

©2012 SimonStapleton.com. All Rights Reserved.

I’ve been intending to write about this for a while, so when it was suggested by a reader (John Lau) I feature this subject I took my fingers to the keyboard. I’ve experienced this myself and it’s also the cause of much stress and anxiety in a number of people I have work with during mentorship programs.

Frequently, I’ve felt my boss (in a number of organizations) is on another planet. The feeling was most acute when we’ve both been in meetings with a number of other colleagues from different departments. My boss would say strange things, e.g. use vague, ambiguous terms, say things in conflict to what we had agreed between ourselves, or in some cases, say things are technically wrong to my knowledge. In technical circles, this is typically seen as ‘bad’. This would lead to frustration on my part (particularly as it’s the tendency of technical folk to want perfection), and worse still, on occasion prompt me to correct my boss, creating disastrous results (mostly for me I should add). Why did this happen?

To answer this objectively, I have to mention a few things first:

1) Somebody very wise once said that ‘leadership is a lonely place’. It’s a phrase that reflects the ambiguity a leader sometimes faces when dealing with their followers and the needs of other people. A leader should have integrity, but must also deal with a number of different versions of the truth, depending on their audience. This can put distance between a leader and their followers whilst the ambiguity of a situation resolves.

2) Leadership is about taking people on a journey of change, not just the change itself. A leader must know how to move people towards a change at a pace that isn’t too painful. If the leader has to enact change outside of their direct sphere of influence, then positional power can’t be so easily applied and therefore trust and confidence needs to built up. Sometimes, it may seem that a situation is changing in the wrong direction to the final desired state.

3) A good leader in a technical subject must know when to apply appropriate language. This is a balancing act that gets progressively more tricky as the breadth of the audience increases. As a technical leader with technical followers, credibility can be built by knowing the jargon and the buzzwords. As a leader in a wider non-technical context, credibility grows when appropriate language is used where everyone can understand the message. Technical leaders must choose the level of their language carefully when in front of a wide audience

4) Politics in an organization is unavoidable. Politics creates forces in an organization that are not always obvious, because most of the time they’re out of self-interest. Politics in fact can be a positive force, as well as negative, for stimulating change – self-interest is not always bad as long as it aligns to the objectives and values of the organization in the end. Politics, though, can create a perception of odd behavior when you’re not in the know. A boss who behaves inconsistently due to politicking can be difficult to work for. This is where a boss depends on trust. If you have a boss like this, do you trust her and accept that whatever is behind the odd behaviour has a good reason?

So with these things said, do they explain the mysterious behaviors of your boss? Maybe not, as there are always a mix of factors that can create this perception. During my own experience, rather than trying to fix the wrongs I’ve observed or openly challenged my boss in front of others, I’ve found that an open and honest conversation straightens things out. In some cases I’ve found that it is purely down to my own (sometimes naïve) interpretation of the situation that has confused me. In most cases it’s because of one of the points 1-4 above. Rarely has it been through any malicious intent. If you trust your boss, you’re likely to find that too.

This subject was suggested by John Lau in Manchester, England. (Thanks John)

©2012 SimonStapleton.com. All Rights Reserved.